An Animated Invasion
by milady dragon
Summary: The team get involved in a rather odd invasion.  This is a crossover with "Duck Dodgers in the Twenty-fourth and a Half Century", so be warned of rampant silliness.  Written for the Jantocam challenge on Livejournal


An Animated Invasion

Author: Milady Dragon

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, or Duck Dodgers, his plucky piglet sidekick, or Marvin the Martian. After this, that might be a good thing.

Author's note: I wrote this for the Jantocam challenge on Livejournal, based on a picture of Jack and Ianto surrounded by Loony Toons characters. I swear I wasn't on drugs when I wrote this! I do hope you get a bit of a laugh out of it.

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><p>"I claim this planet in the name of the Earth!" the bi-pedal duck-like creature said, planting a green flag with what did, in fact, look a bit like the planet Earth…if it had been drawn by a cartoonist on LSD. He had on a red cloak that blew about in a breeze that didn't seem to exist, and a green hat-like thing that had a large gold deely-bobber on it.<p>

"I claim this planet in the name of Mars!" said the short alien in a sing-song voice, wearing what looked like some caricature of Roman armor, large eyes the only thing visible under the awkward-seeming helmet, a broom head making the entire thing appear ready to fall off at any moment. The flag he had was pink with a red circle on it that was nothing like Mars at all.

They were being observed by a pig wearing a lavender bodysuit, looking horribly eager and hanging on the duck's every word.

Jack wanted to laugh.

"Now wait just a minute!" the duck snapped. "I was here first!" He was frankly bristling.

"We shall see about that!" the other said. He pulled out a really large, futuristic gun – from where Jack would never know – and aimed it at his nemesis. In very obvious – and English – lettering on its side it said 'A-1 Disintegrator Gun'.

The duck snorted. "I happen to be wearing my anti-disintegration vest, so do your worst!"

The alien pulled the trigger.

The duck collapsed into a pile of ash. Only the so-called anti-disintegration vest survived, falling to land on top of the pile.

Jack winced. Dying by disintegration wasn't pleasant.

The short alien laughed almost manically.

The pig made a strange 'meep' sound then pulled out its own gun, a red one this time.

"You have got to be kidding me," Jack heard Owen say, as he also got a look at the gun, which very obviously said 'A-1 Re-Integrator Gun'.

The pig fired.

The duck reappeared, his body practically vibrating.

"That's impossible," Tosh whispered, her PDA out and taking every reading she could.

"Thank you, my intrepid and eager young space cadet!" the duck exclaimed.

The pig looked pleased. "Th-th-thank you, your Heroship Sir!" He saluted with one small foot…er, hand…it must have been a hand because he was bi-pedal, as well, although now that Jack got a closer look he didn't seem to have opposable thumbs.

Wait…then how had he pulled the trigger of that highly improbable gun?

Could this get any more confusing?

The duck turned to stare the Romanesque alien down. "You cannot have this planet! I claim it, as I am –"

The duck thrust one arm up in the air, and in a scene of gravity-defying exposition, shouted:

"Duck Dodgers, of the Twenty-Fourth and a Half…CENTURY!"

One of his team snorted. Jack thought it might have been Ianto.

"You think so, do you?" the short alien cried. He pulled an even larger gun from somewhere – a pocket dimension maybe? – and aimed it at the duck. "I shall destroy this planet before I let you get your hands on the Aludium Fosdex, the Shaving Cream Atom!"

"You think you can destroy this planet?" the duck scoffed. "Not if I destroy it first!" The pig handed him a gun that was even larger and more sci-fi cliché than the one the so-called Martian had.

Jack knew then it was time to call a halt to the histrionics, as entertaining – and as odd – as they'd been. "Maybe you should ask the people who actually own the planet first, before you decide to destroy it?"

The duck and the Martian both turned their rather cartoonishly intimidating guns on him. An instant later he heard four clicks from his team, signifying that they weren't going to let this go any farther, either.

Jack raised his hands in order to placate their obviously disturbed visitors. "Now boys," he said, "there's no need for all of this. You've got the wrong planet.

"Ah HA!" the duck exclaimed. "You're trying to pull the wool over my eyes –"

"I hope there aren't any talking sheep around," Jack heard Ianto mumble.

"Puny alien," the Martian said, "we know this is Planet X. Do not try to fool us, it will not work!"

_Just who was he calling 'puny'? _Jack thought, nettled. "Look, you both fell through a Rift in time and space, and ended up here. We can get you home – "

"I'm not leaving without the Aludium Fosdex," the duck answered.

The Martian made waving motion with his really big gun, and Jack wondered just how either of the aliens were able to hold them without falling over. "Hand it over," it said. "And I shall leave your planet in rubble!"

"There's no such thing – "

A throat cleared, and since it was Ianto doing the interrupting this time Jack decided he wouldn't be put out by it. "I do believe I know what these two…gentlemen…are talking about," Ianto said serenely, a faint smile on his face as he reholstered his weapon. "I happen to have the formula and am willing to trade it for our world's safety."

Oh, Jack loved it when Ianto was being sneaky. He'd have to reward him for it, later.

"Hand it over, pitiful creature," the Martian said, trying to sound menacing but in his lyrical way of speaking it came out like he was trying out for some bizarre space musical.

"No, give it to me!" Dodgers shouted.

"What if I gave it to both of you?" Ianto bargained. "Then you can leave our planet in peace, because you'll each have what you want."

Both duck and Martian looked at each other. While they had some sort of weird and silent battle of wills, the pig trundled up to Toshiko, smiling. "Hello, p-p-p-pretty lady," he said shyly.

Toshiko looked absolutely charmed by him.

"Oi Tosh," Owen teased, "didn't you get enough of space pig a couple of years ago?"

"Butt out, Owen," she snapped back. Toshiko knelt down in front of the pig, and introduced herself.

The pig looked so pleased and embarrassed by the attention that Jack thought he was going to sink through the ground.

Then as suddenly as they appeared, the comically huge guns vanished. "I agree to your terms," the Martian said.

"Yeah," Dodgers looked put out. "What he said." He crossed his arms and if a duck could pout, it would be full-on and put a two year-old to shame.

Ianto held out a folded piece of paper to each of them. "If you leave now, you can catch the Rift before it closes."

Both antagonists glared at the other. They each reached for the papers Ianto was holding…then pulled back and stared at each other distrustfully. This went on several times before they both went for it and snatched the scraps away.

Then they spun and stormed toward their ships. "Come on, my faithful cadet!" Dodgers called out.

The pig took Toshiko's hand and kissed it gallantly. "G-g-g…seeya!" He took off after Dodgers.

In moments both ships were airborne. The Martian's was a traditional saucer shape, painted an interesting shade of green. Dodgers' was more of a rocket, but red.

They vanished into the Rift.

Jack sighed. He turned to Ianto. "Okay, spill," he demanded of his lover.

"Yeah," Owen said, as the rest of the team joined them. "Just what did you do?"

Ianto looked smug. "If this so-called formula was so important, then I thought it would get rid of them it I simply handed it over, as they asked."

"But there's no such thing as Aludium Fosdex," Gwen said. "Is there?"

"No, there isn't, at least not in this dimension," Jack answered, laughing. "I mean, come on...the Shaving Cream Atom? That's just ridiculous."

"I do agree," Ianto answered. "However, our two would-be planet destroyers didn't know that I didn't have it."

"So," Toshiko asked, "what did you give them?"

Ianto smirked. "One paper was a receipt from my last Tesco run; the second was the bill from the butcher I purchase Myfanwy's meat from. I had hoped they wouldn't actually pay attention to what I'd handed them until they were gone, and it appears they didn't."

Jack laughed even harder. "Ianto Jones…the Savior of the Earth."

Owen snorted. "Don't you mean…" He struck a pose, his hand in the air, his index finger pointing toward the sky. "Ianto Jones! Savior…of…the…EARTH!" he shouted in a pretty bad imitation of what Dodgers had done.

"But you didn't hover off the ground dramatically," Toshiko giggled. "It's not right unless you defy gravity."

"And a cape!" Gwen grinned. "You need a cape! And one of those gold balls on your head."

"Oh," Jack leered, "I'd love to see Ianto in a cape. The gold ball thingy…not so much."

Ianto rolled his eyes good-naturedly at the teasing. "Just remember who makes the coffee around the Hub…"

Together, the Torchwood team made their way back to the SUV, the world once again safe for humanity.

Jack nodded. Yes, a job well done indeed.

Only a pair of odd alien flags stuck in the ground were left to mark the place where the planet was nearly destroyed…over shaving cream.


End file.
